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If Steve Jobs Would Have Published Harry Potter...

JobsWhich was more over-hyped, the iPhone or the new Harry Potter book?  Who knows, but wouldn't it have been interesting if their paths would have crossed?  How would this have played out if Steve Jobs would have been the mastermind behind Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows?  Here's what I think would have been different:

1. The book would have been available only at Apple stores and just one bookseller chain.
2. It would have a retail price of $499 and no discounts would be allowed.
3. It would be readable only on Apple's slick new iBook device, which when purchased in combination with the book brings the total price to $999...according to Apple loyalists, "it's a bargain at twice this price!"
4. Each new iBook would require activation through a third-party...said third-party can't promise anything faster than 72-hour turnaround on new activations.
5. The story's plot would only be good for about 6 months, after which time a completely new and improved plot would be released.
6. The lead character would lose the funny glasses, grow a gray beard and wear a black turtleneck...all the time.  The source of all his magical powers is...his iPod, of course.
7. Despite having major buyer's remorse, you'd tell all your friends it was the most amazing book you've ever read, causing them to also pay way too much for a purchase they regret almost immediately.

Comments

davidrupp

Just out of curiosity - does Wiley publish a collection of Aesop's Fables? Specifically, I'm looking for a nice copy of "The Fox and the Grapes". ;-)

P.S.: Wouldn't the subjunctive mood be, "If Steve Jobs *HAD* Published Harry Potter..."?

Sincerely,
An Unabashed (and Unrepentant) Mac and Harry Potter Fan

TFS

New iBook? Um that's called a Macbook mate.

How about you do one about Microsoft now...that'd be just as original as this one.

Jeremy

Not funny. There have been better and funnier parodies for Apple fanboy behaviour. Move on.

twilightmoon

Being a fanboy, I've seen dozens upon dozens of lists poking fun at my cult. Some are funny, some are annoying, some are just stupid.

This list is just boring.

mgabrys

I think someone who was pwned is attempting humor. Not succeeding mind you - but attempting. By the way, when that pile of footnotes called iCon was blogged-up, did anyone think of writing anything origonal? Or was this the "greatest hits" of all the previous Jobs related material? Perhaps if it was more origonal than a compendium of time magazine and Newsweek articles it could have been worth the cover-price.

Scott Wilder

I use macs, PCs, unix and linux.

This fails to be funny, clever, insightful or thought provoking.

Ryan

Wow, that was lame.

Despite having major buyer's remorse, you'd tell all your friends it was the most amazing book you've ever read, causing them to also pay way too much for a purchase they regret almost immediately.

Really? Early iPhone owners are overwhelmingly happy with their devices.

Anthony S. Policastro

Hi,
Pretty cool! I loved this post. However, Apple does what it does because it can and it knows it will work.

The banks do the same thing - charge you $4 to take your money out of an ATM machine that is not theirs or charge you $35 when you have insufficient funds all because they can and because they know it will work since they have your money.

Apple knows it can charge whatever it likes because its die hard Apple loyalists will pay the price.

The iPhone is revolutionary with its touch screen, but that's it. The phone does not have the newer high-speed cellular network capabilities or WiFi or GPS, but you can bet that the next version will.

Emily

Come on, where's the "no cut-and-paste" joke? Where's the "one button mouse" joke?

If you're going to be trite, at least go all the way.

Phil Burk

Uh oh Joe, you made Fake Steve Jobs. Watch your hits go through the roof!

Principal

"Mr. [Wikert], what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Jay

Stick to publishing. Writing - especially the above was an attempt at satire - is obviously not your thing.

Daniel

Both products are wildly, unprecedentedly successful and, by all accounts, live up to their expectations. How exactly does that translate to them being "overhyped?"

Brian

Rattling the hornet's nest has its immediate gratifications, but, eh, nobody ever wins by making "I'm pissed-off and bitter" his public position.

Michael Miller

So, Joe, now you know what the wrath of the Apple fanboys feels like. Woe be to anyone who dares to diss the mighty Steve! (Yes, it is a cult.)

Alab

"The iPhone is revolutionary with its touch screen, but that's it. The phone does not have the newer high-speed cellular network capabilities or WiFi or GPS, but you can bet that the next version will."

iPhone has WiFi...

Dr. Dom

Case in Point:

Bitterness makes those who are bitter think that their inane drivel is interesting and witty.This is neither

Dr. Dom

Case in Point:

Bitterness makes those who are bitter think that their inane drivel is interesting and witty.This is neither

Aurélien

Funny how angry, bitter people don't care about things like facts.

Truthiness, anyone?

Jeroen

Bitter eh? FSJ managed to be funnier with the 2 lines he wrote about your posting.

Pathetic, and really bad PR.

Liam Malone

Would it not be more apt to draw a similarity as follows:

1. In the UK The book would have been available not only at Apple stores but at John Lewis, Pc World, online at Amazon and many more places.

2. Unlike the book world Apple's resellers would be able to compete directly with other resellers and the smaller guys would not be forced into buying their books from Tescos rather than wholesale.

3. Apple might try to encourage the writer to adopt a DRM free attitude.

4. If it were anything like and iPod or a macbook it would be up and running in minutes and very easy to use and would not leave the reader with a blank blue screen far too often. Nor would the book become unreadable when nefarious book writers tried to insert chapters that would erase whole sections of the book.

5. The book would be nicely designed and like many other similar books out there but nevertheless still subject to the vagaries of Moore's law.

6. The source of all his magical powers is...his iPod, of course, yup it's a nice music player, well designed and enjoyed by many. Good product equals many a loyal consumer base.

7. Never having had major buyer's remorse with any Apple products I've bought, I tell my friends that they are a joy to use and I recommend them on the basis that they work for me and do not drive me nuts installing drivers and the like.

Chris

If this is indicative of your talent as a writer (or thinker, for that matter), please give it up.

David

You must love spyware and shitty design.

Cecil

I saw this post yesterday and I thought "uh oh, brace for incoming." And indeed, kaboom. But what surprises me is the consistent, well, mean-ness of the responses. Yuck. I mean, disagree all ya want folks, and certainly feel free to be not amused. But lighten up, loosen up, and nice-yourself-up.
-Cecil

Sandrino

Look up the term "sour grapes."

Is that post the best you can do? If you are going to poke fun at Apple or any other company, remember to be funny. The worst part of this post isn't that it is making fun of Apple, it is that the post is lame.

What did you expect when you published the book "iCon Steve Jobs*," a free iPod and a thank you note from Steve? You knew Steve doesn't like people prying into his private life. Were you too dumb to realize Steve Jobs could and would retaliate? Besides, if Jobs hadn't banned the book from Apple stores and gotten you all that free publicity, iCon would have barely garnered any interest. You owe the sales of that book to Steve's ban. You should be sending Steve an apology and a percentage of the sales of the book.

Stop whining and get over it.

----------------------------------------

*Notice the title of the book isn't "Icon: Steve Jobs." The capitalization of the word icon seems to imply that Steve is a con artist. Now, why would Steve have a problem with that?

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